Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
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Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today