I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
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My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
#Caturday
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.