[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
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Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”