I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
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I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.