“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
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i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.