It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
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*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
lmfao come on
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever