[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
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A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..