don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
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superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
the clam before the storm
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
the greatest twitter interaction
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.