GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
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Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please