[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
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I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.