“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
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“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.