Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
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Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
How to woo a woman
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.