*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
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I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.