Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
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I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
how to have an accident 101
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.