She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
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[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
What do you hear?
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.