I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
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my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
is this how new cars are made??
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco