[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
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When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
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5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
And they lived apathetically ever after.