We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
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It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Sorry. Not sorry
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once