[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
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That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY