Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
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“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight