Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
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[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
grotesque if literal: baby food
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.