I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
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3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
She: I like Cats
He:
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.