SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
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Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
And now we wait
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”