Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
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model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.