5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
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GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.