*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
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Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.