There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
You Might Also Like
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Go hard or stay average
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger