I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
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KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.