MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
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Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road