You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
You Might Also Like
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
My dad is at it again
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Hey I worked for it too!
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.