Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
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BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.