WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
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Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
hmmm
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Bike for sale
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.