Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
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What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
All excellent questions
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.