*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
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*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
#JohnTravolta