someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
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How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
a lot to unpack here
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
A dad and his duck
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”