My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
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Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”