Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
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As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.