host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
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Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?