I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
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You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I鈥檓 tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that鈥檚 low, Sharon
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
so, what you鈥檙e saying is, if i don鈥檛 eat an apple a day, i鈥檒l meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
A mom at my son鈥檚 baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
mom: you鈥檙e 42 years old I鈥檓 not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won鈥檛, I鈥檒l find somebody who will, Ma
Here鈥檚 a meme
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 馃槱馃槏馃槏馃槏
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 馃樄
Brb my Sims are getting married
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing鈥檚 wrong with her. She鈥檚 just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Cat owners aren鈥檛 lazy. They鈥檙e just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.