My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
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detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.