When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
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fired
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
put ‘er there pardner!
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future