One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
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Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
😂😂
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps