At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
You Might Also Like
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.