Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
You Might Also Like
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
When you kidnap a writer.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!