i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
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One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Perfect
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
This chloroform smells expensiv…
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?