Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
You Might Also Like
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.