To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
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he’s doing your taxes
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Pickled cat.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta