Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
You Might Also Like
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?