dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
You Might Also Like
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Hell yeah 👍
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager