“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
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BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.